A Family at Odds...

My sister and I did not agree on the most appropriate care for Mom.  Perhaps, it was because we did not agree on the diagnosis.  She wasn’t present when the doctor in the hospital told Mom and I that our loving, kind mother had dementia and that it would only get worse.  On paper, he had written the word “Alzheimer’s” and dismissed her on her own recognizance.  She rapidly set about thwarting every attempt to follow up on the diagnosis, with my sister firmly standing by her side.

“She doesn’t need anyone to help her,” my sister argued. 

“But, Mom sees people that aren’t there, refuses to sleep in her own bed, gets lost walking back from the mailbox, can’t sort her medications – doesn’t even know what most of them are for, believes there is a worm living in her dishwasher, and doesn’t understand how to balance  her checkbook,” I argued in return.  “She needs help, Louisa.”

My protests were to no avail, and as Mom had signed a Power of Attorney and designated Louisa as the one to act on her behalf, my younger sister took that role very seriously.  Unfortunately, my mother had checked the box stating that the POA would not go into effect until a doctor had declared her incompetent, rather than the box which gave my sister immediate powers of attorney. 

We spent the next two years in agony, fighting over how and when, or even if mother would finally agree to see a doctor who would make such a proclamation.  By that time, she was in Stage 6 of Alzheimer’s disease and had missed out on months of medical care that could have made her last years much more comfortable and certainly less anxious and fearful.  

In hindsight, for Mom’s sake, my sister and I should have sought the advice of an elder law attorney.  Because of that one little checked box, the whole family suffered – Mom due to the lack of proper medical care and financial mismanagement, and my sister and I because of the many heated and emotional conversations which nearly broke apart our family.

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Alzheimer’s is a disease which affects the whole family.   Unlike a broken hip or flu, Alzheimer’s impairs the loved one’s memory and cognitive skills to the point that they are not able to carry on with daily living or in the management of their affairs.   As soon as a diagnosis is made, even prior to that point when symptoms are first evident, the family should seek the council of an elder law attorney.

Memory impaired individuals are encouraged to participate in as much planning for their own long term care and financial management as they are able.  It is important for the whole family to be in accord regarding these plans as disagreements and bickering have such a negative impact on their loved one.        

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A Bandaid for the Caregiver is dedicated to all those families who journey with memory loss in their lives and the sharing of hope and joy and new possibilities.  In each difficult moment there lies an opportunity for love.

Journey with courage,
Elaine  

THE BANDAID BOX…

Be the glue that holds your family together!  Find the common ground and build upon it.  Praise one another and rejoice together over even the smallest steps forward.  Acknowledge your differences in opinion and gently strive to communicate and resolve those differences.       

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves...”  Romans 15:5  

"You don't choose your family. They are God's gift to you, as you are to them.”
Desmond Tutu 
STAYING ACTIVE…

In the midst of painful family discussions, the caregiving must continue.  Staying active is important not just to your loved one, but for all family members.  Doing things together can bridge the gap between differences in opinion and smooth over hurt feelings, bringing you all back to the table for more discussion of difficult subjects.

Now that it is winter, have a snowball fight, make hot chocolate, string popcorn or Cheerios for the birds, make Valentines, and look through a bulb catalog and make selections for your spring planting.     

TREAT YOURSELF…

Caring for your Mom or Dad is physically taxing.  With the added dimension of strained relationships with your siblings or in-laws, responsibilities seem to pile up.  Dig out from under that pile and set aside an afternoon for yourself to get some exercise. 

One of my favorite quotes is by Helen Kemp, a renowned children’s choir director, who penned the phrase, “Body, Mind, Spirit, Voice: It takes the whole person to sing and rejoice. Get the Body moving and go ice skating or take a brisk walk around the inside of a mall.  Exercise your Mind by taking in a lecture or viewing a documentary on your favorite subject.  Find quiet time for yourself to meditate on the meaning of a Spiritual presence in your life.  Use your Voice to sing in the shower at the top of your lungs.  Your whole being will feel refreshed and invigorated by exercising your Body, Mind, Spirit and Voice!       

Gentle Reminder:

You are a caregiver for your parent, but you are also a caregiver for yourself.

IN THE NEWS…

From Perspectives to Struggles, Alzheimer’s Family Caregivers Find Strength in Sharing  

http://www.heraldonline.com/2013/02/05/4595826/from-perspectives-to-struggles.html

Survival Tips for Every Alzheimer’s Disease Family Caregiver

http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/article/Survival-tips-for-every-Alzheimer-s-disease-4251916.php 

SAFETY TIPS…

We generally think of safety tips as things to keep us from injuring ourselves physically.  Safety can also refer to financial security.  The memory impaired mind is often delusional and believes that managing financial affairs are still within its realm.  Your parent may not realize that the skills and knowledge to handle complex financial matters are slipping away. 

Work toward an open dialogue with Mom or Dad to let them know that you are available to assist with paying the bills, balancing the checkbook, filing and paying the income taxes, or making investment decisions.  Assure him or her that you are there to assure that their money is safe and available when they might need it.  Begin working toward joint checking accounts or perhaps establishing a trust fund to make certain that when the ability to make good decisions declines, there is a mechanism already in place that protects your parent’s assets.

For more information on protecting Mom or Dad’s nest egg for their continued use even when they are not able to manage the funds on their own, visit http://www.agingcare.com/elderly-financial-planning.

        

ABOUT ALZHEIMER’S…  

The effects of Alzheimer’s on a family can be overwhelming. It is easy for feelings of anger, frustration, sadness, and grief to strain family relationships.  Regular, open and honest meetings between family members, care professionals, and friends are often needed to meet the challenges of quickly changing skills and behaviors.  

For families that find themselves at odds regarding the diagnosis, resources needed and caregiving options, it may be helpful to call in a family mediator or counselor to moderate the discussions.  

     

Read more about dealing with family conflict at http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/alzheimers/AZ00027/NSECTIONGROUP=2.