Managing Behaviors...

Acting out, temper tantrums, irritability, and anxiety are things that most parents of small children are familiar with.  It’s kind of a shock, though, to see those behaviors developing in one's own parents.  An octogenarian refusing to bathe or brush their teeth is difficult to deal with. 

I never dreamed that I would ever have to order my sweet and caring mother to take a bath, or to put away the piles of shoes on the floor, or to stop driving.  Of course, the more I ordered, the less effective that strategy became and I learned that I was not an ideal caregiver.  My blunt demands made Mom regress even deeper into uncooperativeness.  She became less and less able to care for herself and more and more indignant with me.  We made a miserable pair.

There was one time, however, that became a turning point for us.  Mom was grieving the loss of a friend, for as we know, Alzheimer’s makes it difficult to maintain friendships. She felt that her friend had abandoned her in a time of need and was crossing the friend off in her address book and throwing away all the little gifts that her friend had given her over the years.

Going outside of my usual no-nonsense and confrontational approach, I said, “Mom, that must have hurt you very much.  You must feel you have lost someone very special.” 

I could hear the surprise in her voice and she paused before saying, “Well… yes, I am hurt.”

Rather than confronting her with the fact that she had misinterpreted her friend’s actions, I empathized with her feeling of loss.  She immediately calmed down, erased the pencil marks with which she had so vigorously marked out her friend’s name, and lovingly replaced the few gifts she had not already broken.  We sat down, instead, and reminisced about the trips the two of them took together and the many movies and dinners they had enjoyed.  Her angry and violent actions turned into a desire to call her friend and make amends.

After that incident, I chose to try more positive behavior management methods, and Mom and I gradually rediscovered that mother-daughter bond that we once knew.

       

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Alzheimer’s disease exhibits itself with very unpredictable behaviors in our loved ones – behaviors that take us off guard and tax our patience and understanding – particularly when Mom or Dad becomes suspicious, delusional, or aggressive.  These behaviors make no sense to us, but it is their new reality as they continue to  change in their abilities to communicate, to understand a world of confusion, and to deal with their own frustrations.

Behavior management techniques can go a long way toward calming your parent before the need to rely on medications becomes necessary.  While medications are warranted in cases of physical aggressiveness or delusional thinking, they do have negative side effects and can cause further decline of cognitive skills.      

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A Bandaid for the Caregiver is dedicated to all those families who journey with memory loss in their lives and the sharing of hope and joy and new possibilities.  In each difficult moment there lies an opportunity for love.

Journey with courage,
Elaine  

Author

"Conversations with Nora: a Family's Journey with Alzheimer's"

THE BANDAID BOX…

Find rest in the promises of our Creator.  Spend time in quiet meditating on his mercies.  When Alzheimer’s wounds us, the Creator will pick us up and carry us until we find our strength again.  We are never alone in journeying with our loved one.

“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he who will sustain you.  I have made you and I will carry you.  I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”  Isaiah 46:4 

“Do all things with love.”  Augustine Og Mandino (1923 – 1996)

 

 

STAYING ACTIVE…

 

With Spring approaching, begin to think of easy outdoor activities.  Make it a part of Mom’s daily routine to take a walk around the yard checking on new bulbs coming up and the first sign of robins.  Sweep the front porch and give the potted plants a drink of water.  For a more adventurous outing, visit a city park and watch the squirrels and get in some people-watching. 

If Dad is homebound, open the curtains and blinds and entice him to reminisce about springtime activities when he was more active.  Look at the clouds out the window and find shapes in them, watch the school children playing in the yard next door, or enjoy a glass of lemonade on the front porch. 

Keeping the mind active helps prevent boredom and promotes positive behavior.  Keeping the body active burns off negative emotions and helps your parent deal with his own frustrations even though he may not be able to communicate them.    

      

 

TREAT YOURSELF…

When unexpected behavioral issues happen, it can leave you shaky and exhausted.  Step back and take time to unwind.  Refresh yourself with some quiet time.  Get out of doors and enjoy the Spring air.  Spend time talking with a close friend or counselor and begin to find solutions that will allow you and Mom to experience happier days together.

Gentle Reminder:

Find solace in the fact that your parent still loves you and has just forgotten how to show that love.  Mom is trying to communicate in nonconventional ways.  Listen with your heart.

IN THE NEWS…

From Perspectives to Struggles, Alzheimer’s Family Caregivers Find Strength in Sharing  

http://www.heraldonline.com/2013/02/05/4595826/from-perspectives-to-struggles.html

Survival Tips for Every Alzheimer’s Disease Family Caregiver

http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/article/Survival-tips-for-every-Alzheimer-s-disease-4251916.php 

  

SAFETY TIPS…

Aggressive behavior can be frightening and stressful for the caregiver.  When Dad becomes verbally or physically abusive or threatening, speak in non-confrontational tones and give him space.  Closing in or trying to hold him will make matters worse.  Acknowledge that you can see he is upset and try to calmly distract his attention.  Avoid showing anxiety yourself, take a deep breath before responding, and try not to be argumentative.  You may need to leave the room for five or ten minutes, and come back and try again.  

When dealing with unpredictable behavior - particularly when it becomes aggressive or violent – be honest with yourself and recognize when it becomes more than you can handle.  Call for help when you need to.  Keep a list of resource people – friends, family members, Dad’s doctors, counselors, and 911 numbers – close at hand.

For more information visit   http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=96.       

   

ABOUT ALZHEIMER’S…  

The Alzheimer’s Disease Health Center gives the following tips for managing changes in your parent’s thinking and behavior:

• Work on maintaining current abilities and skills rather than teaching new ones.
• Be consistent in surroundings and routines.
• Avoid situations that require decision-making.
• Maintain orientation by gently reminding LO of day, time of day, events, objects, and names of people.  
• Use reassuring words and tones, even when LO is unresponsive.
• Be a calming influence by playing familiar music, reminiscing about family, and doing activities they enjoy.
• Adapt your communication to those words or gestures that your LO uses.
• Identify “trigger points” that set off inappropriate or dangerous behavior. 

http://www.wedmd.com/alzheimers/guide/managing-unpredictable-behavior