“Where are my keys?! These aren’t my keys! Where did you hide them?” she screamed and threw the keys on the bedroom floor. I rushed in to calm her, which threw her deeper into a panic. My quick approach threatened her even more, and she skirted around me to escape from the bedroom and headed for the little bookcase in the garage hallway.
She frantically picked up every item on the top of the bookcase, searching under and around books and pictures and other knick-knacks in search of the missing keys. I quietly picked her keys up off the bedroom floor and slowly held them out to her.
“Mom, these are your keys,” I said in a soft voice, hoping that she would recognize and take the keys out of my hands.
She swatted them out of my hand and shouted, “No, no, they aren’t mine!”
I picked them up again and placed them on the top of the bookcase. Backing away out of range of her thrashing hands, I said, “Yes, they are your keys. They just don’t look the same because your car is in the shop and they have your car key. All your other keys are here.”
“Losing her car keys” was a catastrophic event for Mom and an eye opener for me. Her extreme reaction reminded me of a few days earlier when she angrily declared that the clothes I held out for her to pack into her suitcase were not hers.
“But, Mom, your flight leaves in a few hours. Your clothes need to be packed.”
“Those aren’t mine,” she screamed.
She slammed the suitcase shut and shoved the clothes off the edge of the bed, making it quite clear that the clothes were not going back home with her. After a few more minutes of trying to convince her that the brown paisley blouse and polyester permanent press slacks were, indeed, hers, I silently decided to box them up and ship them to her home 2,500 miles away. Perhaps, by the time the box reached her, she would recognize the clothes as her own.
* * *
Realizing that Mom did not recognize her own clothes or car keys, really got my attention. At that point, she was in the late middle stage of Alzheimer’s and had only been diagnosed a few weeks before. We were just beginning to learn about the disease and how to positively react to Mom’s changing behaviors and personalities.
The one lesson that we should have learned early on, was not to confront her with her mistakes, even when the teacher in me wanted to correct her, to challenge her, to re-teach her. We learned as the months progressed that many things were thrown away because she no longer recognized them as her own, and no amount of talking could persuade her otherwise.
* * *
A Bandaid for the Caregiver is dedicated to all those families who journey with memory loss in their lives and the sharing of hope and joy and new possibilities. In each difficult moment there lies an opportunity for love.
Journey with courage,
Elaine
Author Journey with courage,
Elaine
"Conversations with Nora: a Family's Journey with Alzheimer's"
THE BANDAID BOX…
With Alzheimer’s, there are seldom perfect solutions or answers because every person with the disease goes through changes in behavior and daily living skills at different rates and with different experiences. Sometimes your response to Mom’s overreactions will be what calms her down, and sometimes your words may incite even more outbursts. Caregivers must be honest in accepting that sometimes we will fail in our efforts to create a safe and happy home for Mom. We know, however, that we will be given many opportunities to try again and, more often than not, begin to succeed in making Mom smile or even laugh a little, for hidden inside the word “impossible” is the word “Possible.”
"With God, all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.” Benjamin Franklin (1706 – 1790)
STAYING ACTIVE…
Remaining physically active as long as possible is key to Dad’s wellbeing. Keep him on the move as much as his physical abilities will allow. Water aerobics at the senior center was a favorite activity of my dad.
Mom liked to piddle around in the garden. For many seniors, however, getting down on the ground is difficult, so be sure to place potted plants on tables for easier access. Provide a small watering can which might be easier to handle than a watering hose.
Doing things around the house like taking out the trash, emptying the dishwasher, folding the clothes, also qualify as staying active.
Moving to music can be a part of a daily routine. Put on a patriotic march and get those drum major arms going. Wave a flag or baseball cap. If Mom’s balance is steady enough, she can lightly step in time while holding on to her walker. Dad might enjoy saluting to the beat.
TREAT YOURSELF…
Surround yourself this week with fun people. Call a friend who always makes you laugh. Rent a movie with your favorite comedic actor. Ask Facebook friends to send you their funniest jokes.
Gentle Reminder:
Laughter is the best medicine. Find the humor in Mom spraying her hair with bug spray and Dad just “stopping by the hospital” on the way home for an MRI.
SAFETY TIPS…
Misrepresentation or non-recognition of familiar objects usually doesn’t pose any more of a safety hazard than emotional distress on the part of the caregiver and embarrassment and anxiety on the part of your loved one. Things can be done, however, to aid in the correct recognition of an object.
Placing an object on a contrasting color helps Mom find and recognize what he is looking for more easily. A green blouse on a green bedspread is difficult to distinguish, whereas a brown sofa against a cream colored carpet is easier for him to see where he is to sit. Use solid colors as much as possible and avoid busy patterns on walls, floor, and furnishings to help her with perception difficulties.
Labeling things such as car keys, remote control, soap and lotion can also assist in object recognition. Place items in the bathroom which are a contracting color to the countertop, or a colored bath mat that shows up against the white tile tells Dad where to stand.
A safety tip for those loved ones that tend to wander: Consider wallpapering the door the same color as the wall to make the patio door less noticeable. Place a black mat in front of the stairs. Dad will perceive the mat as a hole and will go around it rather than stepping into the “hole.” A safety railing will also help ensure that he does not attempt to use the stairs.
Good lighting is essential in preventing falls. Keep levels even throughout the house to minimize shadows, although darkened areas may keep Mom or Dad from wandering into dangerous areas.
ABOUT ALZHEIMER’S…
The ability to see is a complicated process with many different stages. Our eyes receive information which is then transmitted to the brain where it is interpreted along with memories, emotions, and other senses. We then become aware of what we have seen. Because there are these many different functions involved in perceiving what we have seen, there are many opportunities for mistakes to occur along the way, including:
Illusions – a distortion of reality due to a particular characteristic of the object is appears distorted. An example would be seeing rats in a carpet patterned with white dots.
Misperceptions – a person gives their “best guess” because of inaccurate information due to a damaged visual system, such as glaucoma. A cap hanging above a coat might be seen as a person wearing a baseball cap.
Misidentifications - damage to specific parts of the brain which lead to problems identifying an object and people correctly. Distinguishing between a husband, son, or brother may be difficult.
An excellent article on the topic of sight, perception and hallucinations can be found on this website:
http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=1408
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