First it was the television that stopped working and then the oven, followed swiftly by the garage door, the car and finally the telephone that all ceased to function. Food was either burned to a crisp or still frozen in its casserole dish. The TV would only get four channels, if any at all. The garage door opened mysteriously by itself in the middle of the night or came crashing down on top of the car when least expected. The car would not go into drive and lunged backward instead. According to Mom, a long list of electrical appliances and all manner of technical gadgets from the can opener to the automobile eventually all developed major operational problems.
We all knew, however, that the only real malfunction was Mom’s ability to remember. During the middle stages of Alzheimer’s she began forgetting how to operate the most complicated of the gadgets, but eventually lost all ability to operate even the simplest electrical or mechanical device other than a light switch. I don’t know who was the more frustrated by this – Mom, her daughters, or her caregivers.
But, it was the telephone which, perhaps, gave us all the greatest amount of difficulty, and she was determined not to pay the telephone bill the next time it came around – notwithstanding the fact that she was throwing away all the bills because they were “nothing of importance.” Retrieving messages from the answering machine was the first function to leave her confused mind and she soon gave up any attempt to listen to the messages, claiming that the telephone company had made a mistake and hidden them from her. On one of my visits I offered to help her and observed while she pushed the word Play to no avail, completely missing the button above the word Play. After a gentle reminder and demonstration, however, she continued to press the word rather than the button itself. I realized that with the loss of the ability to discern between a word and a button, Mom would be losing a great deal of her independence. Retrieving messages was a function now lost to her.
Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on how one looked at it, she retained the ability to make a phone call for a few months longer. One of her more frequent phone calls was to the police to report that her caregiver was holding her hostage, resulting in the equivalent of a SWAT team arriving at the front door. One such phone call was all it took for the local police to make a note next to her phone number that the resident had dementia and that only a pair of policemen were needed to respond to the call. Just on the off chance that her call to 9-1-1 really was an emergency, they dutifully responded to each and every call.
On one of the phone bills which the caregiver secretively removed from the trashcan, there were a series of 10 to 15-minute phone calls to numbers in Chicago and other faraway places. We didn’t have any relatives in Chicago, but the caregiver reported that Mom was very friendly with some gentleman on the other end of the call. Apparently, Mom called random numbers and when a man answered the line she introduced herself as the wife of a friend of his. She could be quite flirty when she wanted to, and as her inhibitions were stripped away by Alzheimer’s, the caregiver had to intervene on more than one call. The phone was removed from Mom’s bedroom after that.
And then, of course, there were the incoming calls which posed their own set of issues. No one ever overheard her, but we are fairly certain that a less-than-ethical solicitor sold to her a subscription to a men’s magazine that even made her grown daughters blush. The phone in the kitchen was unplugged after that and the caregiver carried the cordless handset from the only other functioning phone in the house around in her pocket. What was once a plaything for children had become a great source of difficulty for an adult who no longer understood the implications and responsibilities involved in using a telephone.
As Mom progressed beyond the middle stages of the mind-robbing disease and into Stage 6, just the mere sound of the handset ringing in the caregiver’s pocket upset her. The sound sent her into a state of agitation and fear. It took several minutes of reassurances to calm her down again. Eventually, the ability to use the handset was almost beyond her and I stopped calling to check on her. Our only line of long distance communication was severed for good.
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When caring for someone with Alzheimer’s, the telephone is a vital part of staying in touch during the early stages of the disease, but does come with some difficulties. As the fog creeps in, the use of a telephone becomes more and more of a problem as Mom or Dad unknowingly begin to abuse its use. In the final stages of the disease, it is a lifeline for family members who just want to hear their parent’s voice again, never mind that they can’t dial the number or hold the phone to their ear.
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“A Bandaid for the Caregiver” is dedicated to all those families who journey with memory loss in their lives and the sharing of hope and joy and new possibilities. In each difficult moment there lies an opportunity for love.
Journey with courage,
Elaine
Journey with courage,
Elaine
Expect the unexpected, for Alzheimer’s does not disappoint with new opportunities to respond compassionately and creatively to your loved one. You possess the ability to overcome the inherent difficulties and to meet dementia head on. You can do this!
“With God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26
“Leave the beaten track behind occasionally and dive into the woods. Every time you do, you will be certain to find something you have never seen before.” Alexander Graham Bell (1847 – 1922)
STAY AHEAD…
So using the telephone has become a challenge for Mom. Stay one step ahead of her and anticipate:
…that the phone in her bedroom will be used to call 911 to report a hostage situation. Solution: Remove the phone from the bedroom.
…that she is having trouble reading the phone numbers in her address book and is inadvertently dialing up strangers. Solution: “Lose” the address book. It probably accidentally fell into the trashcan and you will help her make a new one.
…that Mom calls you with “emergencies” repeatedly throughout the day. Solution: Reprogram the speed dial so that it rings a fictitious number. Tell her you have had difficulty with your line lately and will look into it.
Misuse of the telephone is a forewarning that it may no longer be safe for Mom to live alone or without closer supervision. Consider making a move into assisted living, a nursing home, or an Alzheimer’s unit.
TREAT YOURSELF…
Treat yourself to a phone-free day. Make arrangements for someone to be with Dad while you go on an outing without any phone interruptions. It might be to a day spa for a massage or a brisk bike ride on the azalea trail. Request that the sitter call you only if there is an emergency involving going to the ER! Everything else can be put on hold.
Gentle Reminder:
People lived quite successfully for thousands of years without the aid of the telephone. It is only a tool meant to enhance our lives. When it becomes the center of one’s universe and a hindrance to one’s safety, it may be time to reassess its usefulness.
IN THE NEWS…
Football Players at Increased Alzheimer’s Risk
A 16-Yr-Old Takes on the disease of the Elderly
SAFETY TIPS…
Repeated calls to 911 either out of boredom, by accident, or in an attempt to report fictitious abuse is not only annoying, but can be dangerous. In addition, solicitors like to prey on the elderly, particularly over the phone and at this stage Mom is vulnerable to making poor decisions.
When Mom begins misusing the telephone, it is a time to consider making a change in care and living arrangements. Until around-the-clock supervision can be provided or a transition into assisted living or a dementia facility can occur, here are a few things you can try. Not all suggestions may be appropriate for your situation. Every Alzheimer’s family has its own unique structure, but this brief list may spark your imagination and creativity in solving your parent’s challenges with the phone.
- Turn off the ringer on the phone to prevent it from being answered.
ABOUT ALZHEIMER’S…
A problem using the telephone is one of the first signs of Alzheimer’s disease. As the disease deepens, issues with recognizing the voice on the other end of the line will become more difficult for Dad. Conversations are likely to be somewhat one-sided and frustrating. Even recognizing and answering the phone itself may be a challenge as he forgets what it looks like or that the ringing sound indicates a call is coming in.
Relying on Dad to take a message is a little if-y as it becomes difficult for him to write and down and deliver the message. Just remembering that there had been a call cannot be counted on. In the event that a message somehow does get written down or verbally conveyed by Dad, remember that the facts and details of the message are suspect.
Easy access to a phone sometimes results in Dad punching random numbers and reaching a confused restaurant owner in Poughkeepsie or a beautician in Santa Fe. Loneliness may drive him to just want to reach out in an attempt to hear someone’s voice – anyone’s voice. This may also lead to Dad calling you at work or home at odd hours or repeated calls within a matter of minutes.
Dad remembers that the telephone is a tool for communicating, even though his communication skills have become impaired. Realize that he may wish to just listen to you talking to someone else, to be a silent partner in the activity, to feel included.
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